Cry until it’s over.

So we’ll just cry, cry on each other’s shoulders. Cry until it’s over. Can’t it just be over. And we’ll just cry, cry. Cry until it’s all gone. Been holding on for too long. Time for us to move on. I’m tired of tryin’ to find a reason why. So let’s just cry. 

I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know what I want right now. All I know is that I’m hurting so much inside that it’s eating me, and one day, there won’t be any of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I runaway and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don’t know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it’s hurting ten times more.

It’s the loneliest feeling in the world – to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say “what’s the matter with her?” I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren’t sure whether you’re walking toward something, or if you’re just walking away. I don’t know if I’m getting better or just used to the pain. I know it seems like I’m this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I’m fragile. I’ve had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I’m afraid of is shattering.

How can you understand me when I can’t understand myself? You look at me and think, she’s so happy but there’s so much behind this little smile that you will never know. Do you ever have those times you cry and you don’t know why? People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I’ve tried that I’ve tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I’ve learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear. 

The pain is there to remind me that I’m still alive. What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care? Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can’t because things have changed so much. I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same. Then we were all just a bunch of crazy teenagers looking for a wildtime. But now, things aren’t the same. Each of us have gone our different ways. We change, people change, things just change, and weren’t those crazy teenagers looking for a wild time anymore. We’re teenagers looking for a person to love and a person to hug when we’rein need. 

I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I’m hurting inside. Some of us are just trying to get through the day without falling apart. Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it’s as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize anymore. I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand. Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. The deepest people are the ones who’ve been hurt the most. Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like. You never know when you wake up, if all will be the same, or if you’ll be back in your dark place, again to feel the pain.

I’m not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn’t ‘me’ crying all night, acting all day this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. In the end, music is your only friend. What’s the point in screaming? No ones listening anyway. Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head. I’ve come to the point where nothing matters anymore, and things I used to care about aren’t worth fighting for. 
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